I took getting pregnant with PK for granted. We had barely gone off BC when I found out I was pregnant. At our first appt. we had an ultrasound (which I wasn't planning on) and found out I was 8 weeks pregnant. I had already missed 2 months of pregnancy.
I complained every. single. day.
About how much my back hurt, how awful throwing up was, how terribly nausous I was all the time, how I couldn't sleep, how all I wanted to do was nothing- but I was still working and going to school and none of that stopped just because I was with child.
There was one night in particular where I forced Jed to stay up the whole night complaining and crying about how terrible my life was. About how I wasn't even sure I wanted the baby {gasp} and how I was So.Not.Ready. It never even crossed my mind about how blessed and fortunate I was to be able to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and have a healthy baby.
I could go on and on and on about how ungrateful I was. It was awful. I am so ashamed.
I have since learned from that mistake.
There are so many things, so many, that can change. A ridiculous number of things have to happen in order to even get pregnant, let alone stay pregnant or even 9 months later birth a healthy baby.
I will never take this beautiful miracle for granted again. I will stop telling all of my pregnant/married friends how terrible my pregnancy was or how I hated every second of it. There is no need for that type of negativity- especially to those who are pregnant or who are trying to be. I'm sorry if you have been victim to one of my terrible rants about how terrible those 9 months were for me. I am truly sorry.
I should have talked about how exciting the ultrasound was. How I was so nervous and giddy to see his little itty bitty body inside of mine. Or about how cool it felt to float around in the pool and barely have to kick because I was so buoyant.
I should have shared my thoughts about the seconds after I gave the final push. Breathless. Crying. The happiest moment of my life. Just trying to wipe my tears so I could see him- after all that time of guessing and wondering. Would he have my eyes or Jed's? I sure hope he has Jed's.
I should have gushed with excitement and shown how every mom gets over the tinniest little milestones.
My heart aches at how negative I've been over that small glimpse of Heaven I felt as I was housing a special body within my own.
Life throws challenges our way that we can't even comprehend.
I did take PK for granted- and now I've learned: that was a big mistake.
This is a really amazing post. I don't think you should carry guilt and heartache. Some people go their whole lives not seeing the blessings they have. I'm sure you were nowhere as negative as you thought you were.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if you read my last post and I hope my own complaining (about not being able to get pregnant)isn't what made you feel guilty. I think we can all learn something. I know that each day I suffer and yearn for a baby, I'll have to lean on that when I finally get pregnant so I don't complain and am grateful for each pain or uncomfortable moment that means I get the blessing of a child.
Good thing we are all meant to be constantly learning right? :)
I remember you doing that... and I am so happy to see this post! Sometimes life helps us mature and see things from new eyes. Fear can make us turn great things into negative things. It's okay, becuase you've learned! Way to go!
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